Bound by the ‘Lift & Separate’

We had a major development in our house last week. If you are aware of the phrase, “Happy Wife, Happy Life”, you know that a momma who is uncomfortable is not a pleasant person to be around. So imagine my unbridled enthusiasm when I found that after 30+ years of daily discomfort, my days of irritation were over!

What was the source of such annoyance, you might ask…

[PAUSE] If you are one of my sons, or my nephew, isn’t this a good time to go clean your room? Study for a test? Wash your hair?? [PLAY]

…a BRA!

Ironcially, the bra celebrated its 100th anniversary last week. Now some of you, particularly of the male persuasion, might say, what’s the big deal about wearing a bra? Don’t all women wear them?

For starters, let’s make it relative. Imagine wearing a jock strap that is perhaps too tight around the waist, or maybe the cup doesn’t fit your “jiggly bits” as well as it should; maybe it cuts in or rubs on your delicate skin. Now imagine wearing that apparatus every day from roughly 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. You’d be a rather annoyed individual as well, wouldn’t you?

BRAS 1

Now bras were considered an improvement over corsets, which I agree is progress, but only relatively speaking. For women who have narrow rib cages and popularly sized cup measurements, most off the rack bras are fine. Those those of us who have some specialized requirements, bra shopping is right up there with swim suit shopping and jury duty as a form of torture.

BRAS 6

Now men will look at a Victoria’s Secret model and think, “She looks so happy, there’s no way that bra is anything but comfy!” To which I reply, “That woman is being paid an obscene amount of money to look like that, and do you think it’s a coincidence that her expression is of wanton desire? SHE WANTS SOMEONE TO TAKE THAT FREAKIN’ BRA OFF SO SHE CAN BREATH AGAIN!”

ONLY Katy Perry can get away with this look...

ONLY Katy Perry can get away with this look…

But when a girl can find a bra that fits, she buys five of them and hangs on to them until there’s nothing left!

BRAS 2

Now I fully understand that the bras of 2014 are a quantum leap from those endured by our mothers and grandmothers. We now have padded bras, water bras, bras with straps that adjust to various necklines, and bras with no straps at all.

Choices, choices!

Choices, choices!

But sometimes the vast array of choices means it’s hard to find what you need. And sometimes what you need changes too, am I right ladies? Maybe you want a sport bra, but end up with a Herculian band of elastic that flattens you out like a pancake. Maybe you are a nursing momma and have to have something that is easy to adjust with one hand, so you don’t have to put the baby down. Maybe you want to simply avoid the dreaded “headlight” condition, and want a bra that allows you to leave something to the imagination. Maybe all your bra needs to do is bring your mammary glands back up to the altitude they were when you were 20.

BRAS 5

Instead, it can take years to find that one bra that doesn’t pinch, bind, rub, chaff, itch or gouge, only to have that style discontinued, and you have to begin from square one all over again! Makes you feel a little more sympathetic for the women in your life, doesn’t it? Good! My work here is done.

So now that I’ve found something that actually fits me, I’m heading back to the store to buy another four! It could be another 30+ years for me to find the next comfortable bra!