I’d Like to Offer an Apology

Dear Telemarketer who called my house last night,

I’d like to apologize for my husband. The Big Guy was pretty firm in his tone when it came your ill-timed call. I’m not sure where it came from, given the times I’d like him to pitch a fit and he doesn’t oblige me.

I would like to explain to him that you are located in a windowless room, God knows where, and likely working on a commission system. I’d like him to understand that everyone has the right to make a living and you are simply doing your job.

Perhaps I could explain to him that you likely get dozens of responses, very similar to the one he gave. Maybe it’s dozens of responses that are much worse.

I’d be glad to do all of these things, if you agree to do the following:

1. Stop calling my home, since I’ve registered on the Do Not Call Registry.

2. Look at the clock, and realize that 6:30 p.m. is still considered the Dinner Hour and since we all know how important it is for families to dine together, you will refrain from calling at this sacred time.

3. Look at the calendar. If it’s a Sunday – suffice it to say you will not call us – PERIOD. There is no good time to call.

4. If you are going to “pitch” something, give us the chance to decline sooner than 45 seconds and one mother-of-a-run-on-sentence. I’ll give you a hint – you won’t win either of us over if you try to drown us with your sales shtick.

5. We have insurance. We have a bank. We have a religion. We have a phone company (obviously) and a cell phone carrier (just as likely). If we need to change things up, we’ll source you – and will likely decide on a company that has NOT harrassed us via the phone.

6. Since we have call display (as most people do) and you’ve tried us at various times of day without answer – ASSUME WE ARE IGNORING YOU. You should probably save your time and start working on some other poor shmuck.

Since I seriously doubt your ability to honor one, never mind all of these terms, then I suspect we will continue to handle your calls as we do.

As I said, I would like to apologize….but I won’t.


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